Friday, January 22, 2010
I haven't posted since Thanksgiving, so Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and all of that.
I've been dealing with an internal battle today.
I haven't gone to any large group meetings of InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, the Christian club I joined at RIT, since mid October. Kudos to those members of IV who are friends with me on Facebook and diligently invite me to every event the club has. Every time, I either click "Not Attending" or remove my association with the event entirely.
Something was different this week, though. The topic of the large group was going to be gender roles according to the Bible, and I was interested. I clicked "Maybe Attending" and was leaning toward actually going. However, as the days (and especially today) passed, I came up with increasingly many reasons to skip yet again. I perceive this phenomenon as Satan manipulating my thoughts and trying to discourage me. You may disagree and that's fine. I'm just saying, that's how I interpret it.
I was 50-50 for most of today, couldn't make a decision. Finally around 2pm I was feeling especially motivated and told myself I was definitely going tonight. Then, even though there was no thought that I couldn't disprove, the discouragement got worse.
It's cold out this evening.
So add another layer of clothing.
You don't know anybody there.
The only way to meet people is to go.
You already have a good understanding of how Christians define gender roles.
Maybe this speaker has a new, unique perspective.
You get the idea. To make a long story short, the meeting started at 7pm, and it's now 7:05. I lost the fight, you might say.
But I refuse to let it be a total loss. I am interested in going back to IVCF sometime. I don't know if it will be next week or spring quarter, but it will happen. I have at least gained that much. I won't let Satan discourage me or influence my mood anymore. I do my best to live a good Christian life, and I deserve to be happy.
Then again, maybe this is just another level of deception. Maybe I should feel worse about not going to the meeting tonight. Maybe I should be stronger and fight harder. Maybe I don't live as good a life as I think. I don't know.
All I do know is God loves me as he loves everyone on Earth, and he will stand by me as long as I keep trying to obey his commands. That's a pretty comforting thought.
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