HTML (Here I Type My Life)

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope yours was as good as mine.

Thanksgiving was a little more stressful than usual this year. It has been a tradition in the past for my family to celebrate the holidays at my paternal grandparents' house. However, last spring they moved to Springbrook Apartments so they wouldn't have to worry about yard work, utility bills, and the like anymore. As a result, our Thanksgiving was held at our house this year. This meant that we had to get the house into something that resembled presentable before the guests arrived. It was close, but we managed to do it. Then, the actual Thanksgiving meal and subsequent activities were fun as always. The Packers even managed to beat the Lions, which made my day.

As we closed in on today, my thoughts were of course more focused on what I have to be thankful for. I really take a lot for granted most of the time. Food, water, clothing, and shelter are all basic things that I have always had enough of, but there are millions of people in the world whose basic needs aren't fulfilled on a daily basis. We shouldn't take anything for granted, but we're spoiled. As much as there is to dislike about the USA (I'm not the most patriotic person you'll ever meet), it really is a great place to live.

I am thankful for my family. Not everyone has the luxury of a complete and functional family. My grandparents are getting older all the time, but I'll enjoy the time I have left with them now and I'll see them again someday. It has recently been discovered that my uncle has a malignant tumor in his esophagus, and we're honestly not sure if he's going to live through it. But we're all praying for him and we're going to do everything we can to help him live the best life he can for as long as he can, which will hopefully not be any shorter than the rest of us. And if things don't work out the way we want them to, I'm pretty sure I'll see him again someday too.

I'm thankful for my friends. My fears became reality for many of my friends from high school. Who knows when I'll ever see them again. But I have kept in touch with my two closest friends, and that's good enough for me. As one might expect, I was nervous about the idea of being in a long distance relationship before college started. However, Bethany and I still talk nearly every night and are doing very well. I'm very grateful for that, because I've known other people who have had long distance relationships end messily. I'm also thankful for the numerous new friends I've made at RIT. I was worried at first about how things would work out, but I haven't had trouble making friends at all. I have more friends in college than I did in high school, and I'm enjoying it. I'm especially enjoying the quad, my roommates, and the "band" (quotes necessary) that Karl, Zack, and I have started.

I'm thankful for my grades. I never had to worry about grades in high school. That was something that was automatic, never below 95. College has turned out to be a different story though. In one class this past quarter, I underestimated the difficulty of the material, didn't start reading my book until it was too late, and before I knew it, I was stuck with a B. It could have been much worse though. I was right on the border between A and B in two other classes, and only through prayer and more studying than I had done in the entire previous school year was I able to earn As in both. I am very thankful to have my 3.78 GPA right now. It means a lot more now that I have to work for it and now that I have a required minimum of 3.60 to stay in the honors program.

Finally, I'm thankful for life. As I mentioned earlier, my uncle has throat cancer. Someone I knew in high school died recently in a car crash. I've known other people who have been taken seemingly before their time as well. It really gives me a new perspective. I've never been one to be overly proud of myself or my accomplishments. I always feel like I could do better or improve in some way, and I always dream of a future in which I've reached the point at which I can be truly happy about myself. I now realize that anything can happen at any given moment. I may not have that future or any future. It's unfortunate and depressing to think about, but the possibility exists. I'm thankful to be alive right now, and as I look back on my life so far, I think I could be satisfied with what I've done. I haven't accomplished all of my goals, and I still have dreams about the "perfect" job, house, family, and life that I want to be living some day. I don't have those things right now, but I'm on the right path. That's definitely something to be thankful for.

No matter how tough times get, let this be a reminder that there was a point in time at which life was about as close to perfect as it gets.

Wow, time flies. It's been over a month since my last post. Then again, this has become a trend for me, as evidenced by the fact that there are still posts from December on the front page. Oh well. Life goes on.

Today's post is mostly religious in nature, so if you're not into that kind of thing, feel free to stop reading right now.

On the back of the bulletins at my church, there is a brief list or poem or other form of food for thought to read. This week's list is entitled, "I've Learned That..." by Andy Rooney. I'd like to share a few that I found interesting and share my thoughts.

...being kind is more important than being right.
Wow. This one really spoke to me, because I have always cared way too much about being right. There is a lot of wisdom in this statement. It's good to always make sure that you know you are right and have your facts straight and all of that. At the same time, it's not worth arguing about. Speaking from experience, it's usually best to just let things slide. Even if you are right, sometimes it's healthy to admit that there is the possibility that you may be wrong. I'm definitely going to keep this statement in mind in the future.

...to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
This one wasn't quite as personal for me as the previous one, but I still think it is a good thing to keep in mind. I know that sometimes what I am doing is wrong and I'm in denial about it or think that it isn't that bad or something. Who knows, maybe I'm doing that right now. When that's true, I'm ignoring the facts. A sin is a sin, whether we acknowledge it or not. That is why it is so important to understand exactly what things are sinful and what things aren't. I'm just as guilty as anyone in this area. I keep saying I need to get into the Bible more, and I haven't much.

...when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
This one is another one that is more personal for me. I don't want to say that I hold grudges, but when someone hurts me badly or repeatedly, I tend to hold onto my anger longer. I had never thought of it this way before I read this sentence this morning. I don't normally plan to get even with people, but sometimes my imagination runs wild and I let my anger get out of hand. I definitely don't want to do that anymore, because I don't want them to continue to hurt me just because I won't let it go. It'll be hard, but I'll be better off in the long run.

...opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
Ouch. I really feel this one, because I think that I've missed plenty of opportunities that I may not even realize just from being lazy or insisting on doing something my way instead of God's way. I think this is an aspect of life I hadn't thought much about previously. We're all taught that God has a special purpose for us and that through Him we can do great things. I believe with my whole heart that this is true. At the same time, though, there are billions of people in the world. If you don't want to fulfill God's purpose for you, He will find someone more willing. This is kind of a reality check for me; I need God, not the other way around.

...I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.
My dad is alive and well. He's currently in the living room playing Mario Kart with my sister. As I've mentioned previously in this blog, sometimes we don't get along very well. Usually, we just secretly drive each other crazy and never address it. However, I've been realizing more and more lately that I just need to accept him for who he is. He's not perfect. I'm not perfect. Nobody is perfect. I can't justify getting mad every time he does something that grinds my gears. It would just kill me if I found out that someday, after our relationship continued on like this for several years, he thought I didn't love him. That's not true. Even through everything, he's my dad. I love him more than almost anyone else.

That's it for those. They were pretty interesting, I think. Next, a Bible verse. I'll admit that I don't really remember my pastor's sermon from this morning, but I did remember this verse, 1 Peter 4:8.

"And above all things have fervent love for one another, for 'love will cover a multitude of sins.'"

There is a footnote at the end of that verse that refers to Proverbs 10:12, which is as follows:

"Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins."

As soon as I saw 1 Peter 4:8 on the projector screen this morning, a lot of things just clicked for me. I mean, this is it. This is what it's all about. To truly love someone, you have to be able to look past their sins and their faults and see the good in them. Probably the main reason relationships fail is addressed in this verse. You can't expect a person to be perfect when the Bible clearly states that none of us can or will be until we get to Heaven.

On a more personal level...when I get down on myself, I often ask my girlfriend, "How can you stand me? There are so many things wrong with me. How can you just accept that and love me anyway?" That verse is the answer. Fervent love. It overcomes all sin. That's just really awesome to me. I finally get it. I only hope I can love just as fervently in return.

In case you haven't been watching closely, I haven't updated my music related "gadgets" (as Blogger refers to them on the layout settings page) since December or January. That will change soon. It's just hard when I have a bunch of new music to get through and no sound on my computer.

Congratulations to the South Jeff boys and girls 4x800m relay teams, which both finished last at states. Still a very great season for both teams and the entire indoor track program in general.

Outdoor track starts next week. Should be fun. I'll let you know. =)

I've been getting myself into some trouble lately. After (gasp) spending a little time with the Bible, doing a lot of thinking, catching what I interpret as subtle hints from above, and in at least one case, being bluntly told so by the person I offended, God has brought my attention to three major problems in my life (in no particular order):

1. Lack of respect for my parents
2. Arrogance
3. Lack of self-control

I'm not going to waste time being all depressed about this. It's urgent. This is hurting several of the people to whom I am the closest, and I don't want that.

If you're someone who prays, please pray for me. I promise I will do all I can, but I can't fix these things on my own. Thanks.

P.S. "Ben Lite" has been a success for the most part in my opinion, not that anyone has commented on a difference. I've noticed. It probably wouldn't hurt to take it even further, but I don't want to be too extreme about it. Some of the things I mentioned in the previous post are part of who I am, and I don't really want to become a whole different person.

I didn't realize this until recently, but if you pay attention, it's obvious. Throughout the archives of this blog are posts that are primarily me just complaining about something that isn't going well; usually my family. Then, I went almost a month without a post.

Guess what?

That's not a coincidence. I'm much more likely to blog when I'm angry or upset about something. This is how I vent.

I guess that means this will probably never be a happy blog. Oh well. Like many other things, that's out of my control.

My parents drive me crazy. What's new?

They went shopping today and left a list of chores. What's new?

I slept until 2pm. What's new?

Here's what's new:

Since I slept until 2pm, I was unaware of the chores until probably 3 or 3:30 because I don't automatically scour the dining room table for a post it note with chores listed on it. Then, since I was elected to do the outdoor chores, I wanted to get a shower before I put on my coat and boats to go out to do them. Unfortunately, Steve was sick today (What's new?) so I couldn't get into the bathroom until 5. Not to mention the fact that it rained all day. So yeah, I could have vacuumed before they got home. Shoot me. It takes like five minutes tops to vacuum our two area rugs, one in the dining room and the other in the living room.

But no, Dad had to rampage around and yell at everyone because the chores weren't done when they got home. I'm not even going to get into how, on his days off, he sits around all day in a bathrobe and does nothing because "it's my day off." Ugh.

My reward for tonight is a 9pm bedtime. At this point, I'm welcoming it. I am tired. Just what they don't know is I'm more tired of them (and mostly Dad) than I am physically tired. That's the story behind my Facebook status. At this point, I really would like to go away to college and not come back. Nothing personal to anyone else. I'm just sick of my family.

I did have a lot more to say, but that's not happening since I have two hours left before bed. I'll just summarize for now:

This week was totally unproductive for me, so starting tomorrow I'm going to try to shift the focus more toward homework.

I love the new strings and picks I got for my bass guitar for Christmas, but the low B string is too thick to fit through the hole on the bottom of the guitar, so I had to order a smaller one. Should be here in 5-7 business days. Whatever that means.

I have been totally lazy and inactive on days I don't have practice so far, so I'm going to try to start dedicating at least an hour or so a day to core exercises. Hopefully I actually stick with it.

I've only played for about five minutes so far, but I got Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII for my PSP for Christmas and it's pretty awesome. I'll probably be playing it a lot in the near future. It'll be a struggle to focus on important things like homework over this.

I haven't written a song since like August or September, and I'd like that to change. I have several ideas, but no time to expand upon them. This won't change in the near future, as I plan to prioritize at least homework and the core exercises over songwriting.

Lastly, something probably most people don't realize about me. Right now, I think I can honestly say that I am legitimately depressed. Things aren't going well for me. Actually, that's a lie. The past few days before today were pretty fun, but I have had too many negative things on my mind for too long for just a few good days to make it all go away. I really feel like just crying right now, and I don't know why. I wish I could make it all go away, but it won't.

What's new?

I kind of let the cat out of the bag in the middle of the last post, but I'm officially cleared to return to sports and gym class! The cherry on top is that I am allowed to do indoor track after all, on the condition that I keep Saturdays free all winter so Mom can sleep in after picking me up from meets in the middle of the night/early morning.

In other, more frustrating news, while trying to figure out why Madden freezes every five seconds on my computer, I've somehow managed to disable the sound, and I can't figure out how to get it back. Thus, I'm typing today from the family computer because it got way too quiet in my room with no music. =P

I'm hoping I can figure that out soon so I can avoid being blamed for screwing up the computer again. That's the last thing I need right now. =/

I've been meaning to post again for a few days now but haven't had a chance due to several factors (including laziness and procrastination =P).

My last post was a little harsh. There are days like that at my house, but they aren't really all that common and I'm starting to realize that a good percentage of the time it's at least partially my own fault.

I need to show more respect to my dad.

Sometimes, he's a jerk. Usually, he's a control freak. Most of the time, he tries to make it known that he's the head of the household and therefore what he says goes.

At the same time, he is my dad, and he is trying to do his best to be a good father to me and to do what is best for me. After all, he is letting me do indoor track after much debate and discussion. He's not a tyrant, he'll let me do things if I explain and actually talk to him about why I want to do them.

Additionally, he hasn't been the greatest in terms of health lately. He probably feels like garbage all the time. Me giving him a hard time doesn't help matters any.

Bottom line: No matter how much I want him to be, he is not perfect or the best father in the world or any of that. He's my dad; nothing more, nothing less. I need to accept him for who he is.

So I'm going to try to be nicer. I'll try not to talk back as much and to have less of an attitude. I'll let him think he can boss me around and be the big man on campus.

Maybe then things around here won't be so bad. I do have to tolerate this place for at least another four to five years after all.

On a similar note, my sister needs a break. Friends on the outside looking in half-joke about how mean we (my dad, brother, and I) are to her, and they're right. We treat her horribly, and it's not healthy. It's not healthy for her to be bullied - and that's what it is, bullying - around all the time nonstop. She's going to end up with some kind of mental disorder or at least be antisocial (which she already is to an extent) or something.

I worry about her, but that's hypocritical. I'm part of the problem.

The effects are obvious to me already. I've been trying to be nicer to her for a little while already, and she's so defensive. I have to work at being able to have a normal conversation with her, because she just thinks I'm going to start teasing her or something. There's no trust, and that really makes me feel bad.

I feel bad about both situations, with my dad and with my sister. I've wanted for a long time to have better relationships with both of them, and only now do I realize that it's my own fault that I don't.

Don't read that last statement as me getting down on myself, because I'm not. I'm just stating a fact. If I would treat them better, maybe they'll learn to start treating me better too. They aren't just going to do it out of the blue for no reason. I have to initiate it.

So those of you who get on my case and/or pick on me about my dad or my sister and how I treat them, lay off for a while, please. It's a personal subject for me, and I really am trying.

Thanks.

I mean that in the nicest way possible. It has become more apparent lately, as my relationship with the Alpha male has become increasingly strained. I am the Omega wolf, the scapegoat. I represent the lowest level in the social structure, on which everyone else's problems are blamed. I can only assume I have been mortally wounded in the past couple of days, because now the Alpha female and the Beta male and female are pouncing on me as well.

If only this were true. If I were really being eaten, my problems would be over soon. In real life, that's highly unlikely.

P.S. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.